Anatomy of a Grudge

“Grudge” - noun: a feeling of ill will or resentment; adjective: something done to settle a grudge; verb: to resent the good fortune of another, to begrudge, to feel dissatisfaction or ill will. Simply defined; a grudge is a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong. Grudges can stem from jealousy, envy, greed, offense (perceived or real) among others and they have multiple characteristics; bitterness, rancor, malevolence, enmity, hatred, malice and spite.

Ephesians 4:31 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Colossians 3:8 “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

1 Peter 2:1 “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind”

Bitterness exhibits itself as strong animosity.
Rancor is the strongest word in our language to express hostile feelings.
Malevolence is best described as a smoldering ill will and can be seen in our expressions. It is an evil disposition toward another; the inclination to injure others.
Enmity is hostility; hatred; ill will; a deep seated, often mutual hatred. Enmity is the quality of being an enemy and in a state of opposition (Friendship with the world is enmity against God. James 4:4 and 1 John 2:15,16. I will put animosity between you and the woman, and between your descendant and her descendant; he will bruise your head, and you will bruise his heel. Genesis 3:15. The carnal mind is enmity against God. Romans 8:7).
Hatred is a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action. Listed among the works of the flesh (sinful nature) in Galatians 5:20.
Malice is the desire to inflict injury, harm, or suffering on another, either because of a hostile impulse or out of deep-seated meanness. The intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another. A desire to harm others or to see others suffer; extreme ill will or spite. Malice is a stronger word than malevolence, which may imply only a desire that evil may befall another, while malice desires, and perhaps intends, to bring it about. Malignity is intense and deep seated malice. It implies a natural delight in hating and wronging others. One who is malignant must be both malevolent and malicious; but a man may be malicious without being malignant.
Spite is defined as a malicious, usually petty, desire to harm, annoy, frustrate, or humiliate another.

The very nature of grudges allowed to reach maturity can end in murder and death (spiritually and perhaps physically as well) of both the offender and the offended.

I am a recovering grudge holder. Like most grudge holders, I didn’t know I had them. I so successfully concealed that I was holding grudges that I had believed they were righteous and justified indignation. I went through all the motions of forgiveness - believed it and had long moved on past offenses done to me - UNTIL I’d randomly meet the offender(s) in a chance meeting or passing. Especially difficult when these offender(s) are in the family. Then there they were, in full royal dress, presenting themselves as rapid heartbeat, a flushed face, a burning sensation in the depths of my belly - all signs I was ready to rumble! Feet set, check. Jaw set, check. Memories of the offense at the forefront, check. Armed with every emotion and determination to defend my position if called upon - I faced the offender(s). These are the first indication that you’ve got a grudge. You know you’re “sober” when you don’t go through the checklist and the presence of the offender(s) stimulate no reaction.

I had all the arguments. God sees and waits. He keeps records. He will avenge me. I need to save this person from the awful punishment that God will bring on their head for all the wrong they’ve done to me, and others. After all, the Father MUST see this person’s attitude the same way I did. But it’s all a lie wrapped up in a truth, and it’s a dangerous one. It’s one that can kill you and cause you sickness and disease.

I have a particular family member who has lied about me, lied about my kids, and behaved undisciplined as a belligerent child! This person is relentless in the pursuit of our family and inventing ways to harm us, unprovoked. This person isn’t even conscious that they do this. They presents themself to the world and the congregation as a sweet, loving and caring christian. But behind the charade is a devious person. I have witnessed and been the recipient on more than one occasion of their rage and childish outbursts their entire life. And they are the instrument, the sandpaper, that God used to reveal to me that I was a grudge holder. Unlike anyone else, this person had the uncanny ability of bringing out the worst in me. After a particularly heated and horrible argument with them awhile back; and I was left angry, shaken and frustrated, I realized I had been keeping score of all the many times this person had accused me or my kids wrongfully. I did not realize until that day that I was nursing a lot of wounds and trying to justify them in my own heart and mind as deserving. We all do that, don’t we? It’s ever so much easier to blame others for our actions - and reactions. Blame shifts the focus to someone else. That’s it’s purpose.

I’m really good at reasoning and analyzing offenses and identifying the root causes of disputes, arguments and outbursts. I’m really bad at identifying them in myself. I know how to forgive the offender and how to explain it to others. I’ve a strong need to bring closure to incidents and disagreements amicably and, hopefully, reach reconciliation. Just ask Bill - I‘m relentless in this endeavor. I love peace, balance and harmony. I especially like it when people agree with my point of view on these matters. After all “blessed are the peacemakers”. But with this particular person it’s rare that anything ever works out that way. They were raised to believe they are entitled to whatever they desire and can do nothing wrong; there is no other way to see things except their way, no matter how irrational they may be. And so, it was after this particularly ugly event that God revealed that I would not cease striving with this individual until I dealt with the condition of my own heart. That wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

What the Holy Spirit revealed to me, was that I was a grudge holder, always had been. I come from a long line of grudge holders all in varying degrees of progress with their grudges. Some quietly nurse their wounds and refuse to speak to or see their offender(s) for days or years on end. Some have slinging curses down to an art form and can quickly speak their mind; inventing new kinds of name calling all the while graphically describing the specific methods they intend to use to inflict harm on their offender(s). Then there are the ones who shout venomous language toward the offender(s), usually without warning or reason, for the express purpose of inflicting the greatest possible emotional pain. And the worst ones are the ones who spend hours, days and years planning the best possible revenge. No matter what form or personality it takes most of the grudge holders call themselves “good Christian people“ and can often quote you book, chapter and verse to justify it.

The day the Holy Spirit revealed this to me, He also revealed that I was a nursing my own grudges. He showed me I had even made pets out of them. Every now and then I revisited the memories of the offenses and checked on them to make sure they were still alive and well, but securely locked away. I’d feed them with some depression, self pity, anger and resentment. Pet them, console them and encourage them to be patient; the day would come when God would vindicate me because He‘s keeping score. That’s the way it goes, right? “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” This is one of the greatest tricks the enemy has to convince us that we are justified. The pain and suffering we experience that has been inflicted by others deserves punishment. We deserve vindication and we certainly don’t ever want to let them hurt us again - so this is a way of protecting ourselves. An eye for an eye, right? Oh, but wait, that was law and we’re now in the law of grace. Jesus said we had to forgive and love our enemies. Bless those that curse us. Pray for those that spitefully use us. Turn the other cheek. If they ask for our shirt - give them our coat too. If they ask us to go a mile, we go 2. We forgive 700 billions of times. So we just roll over and play dead? We’re just supposed to take it? But what about lying about us? We ought to be able to justify some kind of punishment for that. What about abusing us? What about pure meanness? What about robbing us? What about………? Jesus went through this and more yet when He was reviled, He reviled not again. They plucked out His beard; pressed thorns into his head. Rounded up people to lie before the Sanhedrin for the purpose of convicting him. Called Him horrible names; stripped Him naked and gambled over His clothes. Incited a riot against Him and even convinced the government to execute Him without cause. I can think of no better reason to hold a grudge than He had. Did He? No. Why? He could have called down legions of angels, but He didn’t. How can we possibly justify being any different than our greatest example. Bottom line - there is no precedence or instruction for justifying nursing our wounds. None. Nada. Zip. Believe me, I looked. Nope - not there.

So what did I do? I repented and asked God to remove this terrible infection in my soul. It’s not easy. These things take root and spread out like parasites in us. Left long enough they become the root of bitterness that Paul warned us not to let take root. I had let that happen; what I didn’t realize was that a grudge is the fruit of that root bitterness grown from the seed of offense and I had a tree full of that fruit. Repentance as a progression - an ongoing experience. It’s something alive and created that goes to the very roots of the trees of sin in our lives and rips them out of the soil of our hearts.

While I’ve never heard this subject taught in the body of Christ; it is my hope that my journey of discovery concerning this will compel us all to serious reflection and action to remove us from the pit that grudges can bury us in. We’ve all got some good reasons to hold grudges - but those are dangerous plants for a garden.